Só para perder seu tempo..

5 years time, you might just prove me wrong.

2011-10-02T21:34:00.000-07:00

And there will be sun sun sun all over our bodies
And sun sun sun all down our necks
And there will be sun sun sun all over our faces
And sun sun sun so what the heck

olá,
peço que faça este e mail chegar até nosso filho, obrigado.
querido filho,
tenho consciencia de que o que ofereci e ofereço para voces, meus filhos, é o que tenho para dar, pois ninguem dá aquilo que não tem em si.
também, querido filho, me considero um aprendiz da vida, pois jamais desejei e desejo que os meus erros fossem vir a ser respaldo para os deslizes existentes na vida, e na vida de voces meus filhos.
como homens adultos aprendemos que somos responsaveis pelos proprios atos.
eu te amo. voce é meu filho e eu sou seu pai, sempre
FOREVER.
com carinho TEU AMIGO E PAI,
TE AMO MUITO.

Five years time
I might not know you
Five years time
We might not speak

In five years time
We might not get along
In five years time
You might just prove me wrong

tanta coisa aconteceu desde..

2011-09-07T18:39:00.000-07:00

im wondering. am i over you? was i ever into you? there's so much a person can wonder but so little they can
actually record. personally, i think you're being childish. and how you call me childish makes your childish
status go WAY up. I don't know. I don't know what I'm writting. It's been a while since i've written. It's been a
while since i've written the way i've been wanting to. I went back to loosing myself for a while. Especially when
I lost you for good. But i'm slowly finding myself and my thoughts again.. I've always been a smart girl. I always
find my sanity after i endulge in loosing it for a while.

I'm pretty sure i'll go back to this and finish.. pretty sure.

note to self;;

2011-04-20T20:01:00.000-07:00

Take it easy, but not lazy.

Liberarme de las preocupaciones.

2011-04-08T06:00:00.000-07:00

woke up to beautiful, melancholy sound of this expected rainstorm.
woke up to a beautiful familiar face next to mine. i could smell her kindness, her warmth, her lovingness; getting it's self free from her inside, from every pore and every breath she breathed next to me. i could literally feel it. and i still can and do as i write about it. little does she know, i stay awake trapped in self-hatred thoughts, just to watch her sleep composedly next to me.
her tranquility vibes the entire room. i woke up with thoughts improved. rain outside brings out some clarity in my head. seeing no footsteps, no kids playing, no one walking their dog outside makes me more comfortable being in this desolation.
I've figured out my plan of escape.
laying all drugs, selfishness, lies, negativity aside, is how i will follow my plan.
We tried to talk through, hardly using any words, but still one dies more and more as we make sound of pronunciating the words that were to come next.. I still ask myself why i ever took a chance of screwing what we had up. How could a human be so selfish in their own way?
To a liar, only God can come up with the consequences.
Life is a lot more valuable then we make it seem, we just have to fight for it..
A noite chega fria e silenciosa
Um recado de quem vive
A vida é muito mais valiosa
Então tem que lutar, tem que lutar
Para ti ganhar

After a few more pathetic tears and taking apart the braids in my hair from last night, I decided to make something out of this. A ziggy marley song started playing on my playlist. and never has a song's lyrics just showed up in a time when i needed it. and damn did i need it. i said a prayer to God. got around to do some productive things around my house.
But it all goes back to thoughts about me and you again..
i was wondering, do you ever wonder if you just, miss me around at all?

little girl's strength has run out this morning.
8 minutes till it's officially the afternoon.
9 more hours till it's officially nighttime and i get to rest my over-thought thoughts.
12 more hours till it's a brand-new day.
for now i take this day the way it is, with my head up...

Take a look into the sky
'Cause the world is not so pretty
Free myself from worries
So I can see
It's just a beautiful day
It's just a beautiful day

You could be sad
But I rather you not be
Don't dwell on the negative
Just the positivity
And it's a beautiful day
It's just a beautiful day
- http://www.vagalume.com.br/ziggy-marley/beautiful-day.html#ixzz1Ix4ijYuu

;;

2011-04-07T21:26:00.001-07:00

things are getting better..
but why do i still think about dying?

anything else but the truth.

2011-04-04T19:50:00.000-07:00

isn't it funny how when one thing goes wrong, suddenly EVERTHING is going wrong.

make this just a whisper to you.
i don;t deserve to be heard in loud voice.

i took all our stuff down yesterday. it's not that i don't like you, it just makes me sad whenever i see it.

i feel better every hour. if i light a blunt by my lonesomeness.

i was hoping to never wake up again, my insomnia has chosen me to be her new best friend in the dawn. sleeping is my only savior right now, then i wake up. wanting to die again.

My mind would always go back to California. i think it's closer and closer. but then again, there's always, death.

It's beyond infinite unfair what she did to you. But you sir, are over-reacting. Some people don't look within a lie. don't look to see why the person would even think to lie to you in the first place, what where they defending? Maybe there's a reason for the lying. maybe there wasn't. i continue to whisper to the souls who still remain interested in my misery. im lost and you need this. this desolation. What happens only time will tell.. A lie may take care of the present, but it has no future. What i write is nothing you think you know. what i write always arranges better inside my head then in words to be read.

I just know i have never met someone as honest, truthful, beautiful, and Oh, God how much i miss and regret ever loosing you. Just know there is hope, people can change, their soul mind and heart. If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies.

"The chance to make it last, has come and gone.

I don't think that she noticed that there was anything wrong at all
Finally, I'm free to leave."

frère et sœur

2011-01-09T19:08:00.001-08:00

im learning patience. im learning my heart. im learning freedom.
im retour oublier le temps, mettre en doute les sentiments, et l'auto-me retenir de toutbonheur.
you never forget who you really are... no matter how many nights you stay awake trying to.

i bet it sucks to be you. i bet you wish you had a soul. i bet you stay up all night alone and spiritless.
and God how much it hurts to know no matter how rock bottom life gets for us, i will always no matter how big the shit hits the fan, i will consistently, 4ever, and ever, without exception, love you and be there for you.
But for now, just for now, it hurts.

//currently trippin' to thisss

.

2010-11-19T07:31:00.001-08:00

No sé qué demonios estoy haciendo.

la ciudad no me dan la bienvenida de una manera agradable anoche.

mis palabras a él sólo no tienen ningún significado más. a veces, la mayoría de veces me gustaría poder empacar todas mis cosas y se van.

Yo quería un cambio, así .. Ya lo tengo.

tratando de abrazar todo esto.

i'm giving people the permission to

2010-11-02T19:39:00.000-07:00

leave me alone for awhile.

till i'm ready with some explanation, some truthful defense.

leave me alone with my thoughts, my energy, my everyday breath of fresh air, my bible scriptures, my habits, alone with my problems, my car, my mess, my weed, my empty wallet...

leave me the hell alone.

Like'a baby.

2010-10-26T20:22:00.000-07:00

i don't know.
hopefully some changes coming soon.
i don't feel comfortable this way.

God made it easy.

2010-10-21T22:13:00.000-07:00

-happy mondays lyrics.
contemplating on using blogger more, and getting back to some photography.
it's useless because i usually end up never doing anything with the photos i take, they mount-up on my hardrive. and the scribbles i write, ends up being read, years or months after, finding it stupid, i delete. i still don't know in wich language to write. it'll probably be a little of both.
but I'm gonna do this. I've been becoming idle to the things i used to like, and enjoy. I've learned a lot about myself since I've been back in the United States. I've been unreliable to the internet too, which to me, was good. yea, I'm gonna do this once in awhile. I'll start it. maybe next Monday. Mondays are good for fresh starts. I have this theory with one of my best guyfriend, that goes something like 'Segunda-feira é dia de mudar a vida'. Mondays are made for life changing decisions. or, Monday is; day to change life.
i'm also contemplating on becoming a gypsy, or maybe i'll find a cave and use it for my leisure time, leaving shit behind.
. grabbing my fellow and living outta a caravan with flowers in our hair, bells on my feet, dirt under our toes. it's funny how youth talk about this, leaving our world behind, to be "f r e e" and live "natural" and "all you need is love". phuuck that. i'm waiting for my time to actually come, my soul to overtake my thoughts. i'll be like my mother was for awhile. I'll make jewelry, sell it while i travel with my better half, bathe in rivers, use peoples internet connection illegally.. the best part is, i, we, won't contribute any money to the government. n we'll be fo'eva luvin' Jah. but this is all teenage dirtbag talk.

right now i gotta face my problems and my life the real way(for now).
I'll start dealing with real life Monday. i heard it's good for starts..

beijos.

key.

2010-08-21T21:50:00.000-07:00

readers. add this, perhaps.

http://greenlibel.blogspot.com/

made a pact.

2010-08-17T21:13:00.000-07:00

i'll be with you even though we're far apart.

it's something else.

2010-07-28T12:15:00.000-07:00

funny how life has changed.
to where I am, who I am, from where I was, and who I was, about a year ago, has all changed.
There's nothing wrong with you.

what matters is what i understand.
not you.

Well I'm so sad tonight.
And the words won't come out right.
It's been a long day on the track.
And its stamina that I lackSo won't you run to me tonight?

So won't you run to me tonight?
But I'll only ever be a middle distance runner

Tonight could turn but we're just lovers

too late.

2009-10-15T19:33:00.000-07:00

sometimes the simplicty of being honest is what people need most sometimes you just need to be real with your feelings.

i shouldve asked, i shouldve been direct, i shouldve completly let you know what was going on.

Sorte de hoje

2009-09-09T15:31:00.000-07:00

: Hoje pode ser um dia excelente e maravilhoso - só depende de você

unexpected paradise and bizarre frienship.

2009-08-08T11:31:00.000-07:00

the 5 of us, drove around Porto Alegre from mignight to 6am, in search for the cheapest motel for this band photoshoot. with a broken radio, the streets pouring rain and thunder, with no more then a camera, pure smoke, and adrenaline in our veins. we never did find that motel. on second thought, we did find it.. we contemplated on which was more dangerous at the moment, leaving the car parked outside, or getting some type of unexplained disease from the inside of that motel. I mean.. the place wasn't even lit with a neon sign. By this time, we were all fed up with everyone locked inside the car, pouring rain.. but we didn't let that stop our aimless drive. what we did find was enough; unexpected paradise and bizarre frienships. We might've not have found what we wanted at the moment. Even if none of us can tell each other what happened accurately, all i know, it was what we needed, individually.

the one and only shot of the night.

Mr. Writter, why don't you tell it like it is..

2009-08-06T06:03:00.001-07:00

damn it.

i think about writting in here at least once a week. to keep little scribbles of my new life in new places..

but i'm just so lazy, and everything makes more sence inside my head then it all written down.

im so damn irritated. the weather is perfect out. hot air, thunder and little rain.

I can't stand talking about weather anymore.. studing meteorology really got to my head. how much you can learn and look at the weather differently now, is priceless. i look at it understanding everything that is happening, or what will happen, and why it happened. it's no mystery to me anymore. i used to like mysteries.

I'm in a point of my life where i think to myself "im so happy, why am i so damn happy?!"

theres nothing better then feeling good to be right where you are.

I have made some amazing friendships here.. there's not one day that when i set my feet on the streets, i feel unsatisfied with life. I don't feel like a stranger anymore. I wouldn't trade Porto Alegre for anything else, this moment.

Mas tenho certeza que este sentimento irá toda mudar, eu sei como eu sou, sei como minha cabeça é fodahh, um minuto to bem, no outro to pessima.

i woke up in the worst attitude today possible. i can't stand broken plans, man. dont tell me your gonna do something and then not acomplish it. i don't ever roll like that.

I got a new addiction; ipod to my ears, a spliff in my mouth, aimless walks through the city with my nikon.

here's what it leads to..

Candy.

2009-07-04T23:45:00.000-07:00

friday, around 4am, I had it all figured out. I was figured out by my own soul, my own thoughts, my own ego..

i was simply breathing along with the room. the crawling vibration of the room seemed to have changed my thoughts about things I've never even thought of. racing thoughts. thoughts i couldn't comprehend but wanted solutions to them. i wanted a solution for everything.
and i asked him to remind me how i was feeling that night, because i knew the feeling would decay, sooner or later. he never remembered, or wanted to tell me. but that's what i get for asking someone whos just as dead to the world as i was. and here i am, looking for my own pursuit of happiness.. with a loss of that feelin' I never even searched for. perhaps if i loose myself again, I'll find exactly what I AM looking for.

Lesson learned.

2009-05-16T16:15:00.001-07:00

I've learned a lot. I've learned that everything in Life happens for a reason. I've learned that everyone i've met has helped me to grow and learn in some way, whether they've been there as a support or to make my life a living heck, it still helped me learn. I've learned to just accept things and not question things too much. I've learned not to take things too seriously because it just stresses you out too much, I've learnd to suck it up, keep my head up, and continue on like it didnt bother me at all, and always Put a smile on my face to hide my true fealing, because not many people care. I've learnd that you have to make mistakes in order to learn from them. I've learned that you cant depend on anyone else so in the end all you really have is youself, and most importantly i know that whatever doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.

Are you real to me? pt 2.

2009-03-13T23:02:00.000-07:00

I'm filling my head with a new you. Sorry to say this, but I've moved on.
and I'm not sure if you understand this, but
DAMN IT FEELS GOOD.

you've got mail.

2009-02-02T17:01:00.000-08:00

"hey i kno you really like mike brodies photos
hes my good friend and well hes selling some of his camera equipment and stuff if you need anything let me know also if you wanna take a train ride this spring im inviting you to come ill be riding to new orleans to buy this warehouse and start some projects.
actually me and mike are buying it together soo you will get the chance to meet him.
but yeah i thought you might like the idea and you look super intrested soo i thought id throw it out there my names blake by the way but everybody calls me junior let me kno if you have any questions look forward to hearing from you" ..

A facial expression marked by an upward curving of the lips.

2009-01-23T10:16:00.000-08:00

something i received today;

sometimes i read your blog .
you always provoke me to think .
i relate with your conversation with god.
or maybe im all off...?
either way- I wanted you to know you have something rare.
keep writing. and sharing.

photo by http://flickr.com/photos/25461406@N03/

Batman is my hero, sometimes.

2009-01-21T19:49:00.000-08:00

I'm broke. inside and out. money wise and emotion wise.
but i get by...
I'm undecided. about everything and anything. but at the same time, i get it.
I get it all.
I have it all under my command, under my hands, under my will.
I have less then 3 days to decide if im gonna be livin' in the country or back in the city.
I miss my real home, real family, real customs.
the good people that make you feel like home.
Last time i was there it was a week till I got used to all the hugging and kissing. I was like, oh personal space compromised. Then you get use to it and you don't wanna leave. Leaving home is hard to do, but once you realize its easy you say screw it. I been hibernating in hopes this winter will just pass me by and ill wake up in Brazil.

but things work out, eventually. I know they do.
I just hope i don't loose my faith during all this.

04:15

2009-01-04T05:00:00.000-08:00

you're not a mystery you're a train wreck
why do you say that
you are so easy to figure out
of course
thats bc you know me inside and out
you think that no one knows you
you are to intricate for people to understand everything about you
but you're not
you just push people away that waana get closer and know you better
thats the only reason a lot of people dont know you ..
gave them a chance
why would i give people a change
they dont matter to me
but they should
i dont care bc i know deep down they dont care
thats a cover you are just using to make yourself look innocent
I care about everyone
thats you
and I have never met anyone that hasn't cared about me
yeah everyone loves you.. i get it
you could be so much more
i know you could
im dirt
your like
gold
you are not dirt
you were created in the image of god
dont try to make me feel special
typical you.
i have to go.
then go.
but i'll always still love you
and thats a promise!
goodnight.

Loaded.

2008-12-04T03:50:00.000-08:00

dri king beers and talking trash bout the other team.
still waiting on them beatles, he never did play them beatles. but then i realized i don't even like the beatles.
but i gueess ill settle for the police in this place.

i waas already lit before youyou got hwre hunni;
kings ringin in my ears as i type nonsnecne.
drinkin beers and its cold as hell.
one more day and the sun will come out.
waiting on size 9 to step into the door to stay in and lay tired eyes onto the widesreen, as for now, im out of mind.. but my finegrs seem to be working and how smooth is feels.i ve been waiting. patience is just self-exercizzze.

strange, but yet i feel fine and oeverheard.

why cant we all jsut live here.
live here.
in the right state of mind.
here;

Vincent Van Gogh's suicide letter

2008-10-18T10:43:00.000-07:00

My dear brother,
Thanks for your kind letter and for the 50-fr. note in contained.
There are many things I should like to write you about, but I feel it useless. I hope you have found those worthy gentlemen favorably disposed toward you.
Your reassuring me as to the peacefulness of your household was hardly worth the trouble, I think, having seen the weal and woe of it for myself. And I quite agree with you that rearing a boy on a fourth floor is a hell of a job for you as well as for Jo.
Since the thing that matters most is going well, why should I say more about things of less importance?
My word, before we have a chance to talk business more collectedly, we shall probably have a long way to go.
The other painters, whatever they think, instinctively keep themselves at a distance from discussions about the actual trade.
Well, the truth is, we can only make our pictures speak. But yet, my dear brother, there is this that I have always told you, and I repeat it once more with all the earnestness that can be expressed by the effort of a mind diligently fixed on trying to do as well as possible - I tell you again that I shall always consider you to be something more than a simple dealer in Corots, that through my mediation you have your part in the actual production of some canvases, which will retain their calm even in the catastrophe.
For this is what we have got to, and this is all or at least the main thing I can have to tell you at a moment of comparative crisis.
At a moment when things are very strained between dealers in pictures of dead artists, and living artists.
Well, my own work, I am risking my life for it and my reason has half foundered because of it--that's all right--but you are not among the dealers in men as far as I know, and you can still choose your side, I think, acting with humanity, but que veux-tu?

I wonder if Kurt Cobain, Van Gogh, Bradley James Nowell, Cassia Eller, Marilyn Monroe, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, John Bonham, Jim Morrison and all the others that follow along that line, if they really had not "killed themselves", would they have been as famous as they are today?
Would they be totaly forgotten if they were alive?
What part of death makes a person famous? Is it because they were never around too long to be a sell out, a loser, a joke? like, perhaps..say..Bob Dylan?
If he did take his life away like these people, wouldn't more people respect him in a different way as a musician then as a total dud, today?
Why do people kill themselves to live?

My existence feels kinda pointless.

2008-10-12T23:29:00.000-07:00

i had a dark appointment with destiny last night.

one of those appointments you contemplate your whole life around, especially with that state of mind.

but the angel thats always lingering around, saved me.

with his crooked smile and persuasive words.

i could only hear his voice, but felt his arms around me.

Thank you God, for life.

Memórias perdidas.

2008-10-10T11:32:00.000-07:00

So I did a pretty serious cleaning to my room Tuesday cus I wanted to find stuff before I went to brazil..
and I found this scrapbook thing I made when I was at least 12 or 13, I remember I was supposed to put it away and find it again 3 years later and continue it, but I guess that never happened. It was supposed to be a simple "life scrapbook" filled with memories and the people that ment something in my life, .. or something. Anyway, looking at it brought back memories.. even if I only have 5 pages done.

Photoshoot

2008-09-25T22:50:00.000-07:00

South Jersey youth.
Sep. 23 2008
these are mostly the "outtakes".
most pictures of me taken by Ariana http://flickr.com/photos/yellowmellowcustard/.

the end.

I have come to the realization..

2008-09-24T06:37:00.000-07:00

Uma coleção de pensamentos.

2008-09-23T01:11:00.000-07:00

I have recently come to the realization that life’s amenable and if I keep livin’ the way I do I’ll end up an uneasy, tormented person.

In order for this nourishing decision to work, I have chosen to take the distractions away from my life.

Anything worldly at this point.

I will no longer be spending lifeless time on the Internet or worrying about tv shows or other worthless whatevers.

I will choose to eat right this time.

I will exercise my self and mind not to be so intrusive.

There is more to life then drugs and self-destruction.

I have been physically and emotionally struggling with particular topics for a good 5 years.

I will no longer let my actions affect the people around me, and as the anti-depressants help me mentally I will help myself physically and spiritually to the things in life I (will learn to) most appreciate.

I’ll not let myself fall again.

This is finally what everyone wanted.

And this time I’m doing it on my own.

For my own good.

I can’t stand another day with my thoughts and myself drinking lifelessness.

I’ll keep posting my photography on flickr.-->http://flickr/com/photos/omgpinkboxers

Let’s get some coffee. hell, we all need to get out sometime.

tones of dirt talkin'

2008-07-20T12:49:00.000-07:00

so me and J are walking down the boardwalk, I look over and see a crowd of people looking at something, i look over and I think to myself, "wow those two are straight out of a Mike Brodie photograph" ..
Now, if you know anything about Mike Brodie, he photograph's" lifestyles of train hopers, I portrayed him for my final college project last year for photography class. (http://flickr.com/photos/omgpinkboxers/sets/72157604158885583/)

These are great photograph, whether the subjects are granola punks, lazy or disabled in any way is beside the point . The photos reflect an alternative lifestyle, something we dont get to see up close. I found viewing them an extrodinary reminder of youth, poverty, freedom, desolation, dirt, filth..

It was a guy, 22, Toney, and a girl, 20, Kim
us 4 sat along the boardwalk as Toney ate his pizza and drank Arizona tea, Kim played with her pet rat, with the great memory i have, I have no clue what the rats name was!
He showed us a book that is illegal to print and have on the Internet, it's a guide about everything and anything you need to know about train hoping; all the trails, paths, right times, people to talk to.. all that. After trying to lift up his backpack full off pots, clothes, and God knows what, they shared about how they had to stay overnight at a prison for train hoping, had to throw away their dead dog over a river, and other facetious, weird, amusing stories.
Anyway, it was cool to meet real train hopers, and converse and take some Polaroid shots.Toney showed me hundreds of pictures from his disposable 35 mm, even let me take the doubles. He's gonna take some time off after this year, make some money and start hard-core train hoping to Antarctica, is what his plans are.
then they asked if i had myspace.hah. anyway, entertaining & intriguing is what today was.

the polaroids//
kim and her pet rat

Toney, John, Kim

BR vs. US

2008-06-16T13:48:00.000-07:00

I'm contemplating on living with my dad in Brazil for some time.
I live in a house where people disapprove and don't understand why I do the things I do.
I need to be away for a while..Maybe this whole idea of me going away is to really escape.
Perhaps it's to find out who I really am and what I want in life right now.
I'm all sorts of messed up and maybe the time I am away from the people I love will make up for all the time my dad was away from me. Maybe in the end of this all I can finally understand him and where I belong.
But for now I stand undecided, melancholy, and possibly ready for what's next..

A cidade com amor

2008-03-13T18:08:00.000-07:00

It's only a matter of time till we get our cozy 5 story apartment in NY.
Patience, and soon enough I'll be sitting on a wooden chair with my tea cup over my Ikea table, watching the moistened city, as rain hits on our half open window.
And every moment, having him by my side trading kisses, spontaneous laughs, over-thought opinions, and his vinyls. those records make him so happy. I'm tired tired tired and doleful.
but why wouldn't I be? I'm a teenager..

what time is it?

2008-02-18T12:04:00.000-08:00

I don’t have a lot of interests, really.
I do have an intense attraction for those book stores/café places, however.
Although I have no intentions of ever buying a book & making to at least the 5th chapter, it’s more about going through every book by every dispirited author, through books and CDs you try to relate your life to, sitting down on a couch whose dents and dirt have been passed on by every other human being who has ever sat there

(Every human who comes here to get lost on a book with intentions of calling it a leisure time, when everyone knows you can just read at home, but places like this gives people an excuse to go out, be alone, possibly hope they don’t interact with anyone they know.)I guess this just makes more sense in my head, then on pen and paper.That’s another craving I have, pen and paper.along with rain, exercising, patience, art, train hopping, and divine taste in music. imma loser. :/